The Unfortunate Realization

Once again, I find myself growing a bit frustrated with certain situations. Months back, I decided to give certain situations another chance. Right away, I just had this knowing that something wasn’t right. I could feel it. Nevertheless, I decided to give the situation the benefit of the doubt because oftentimes, it’s what I try to do. What I’m seeing now is that it’s just not working out. I’ve also noticed that it just doesn’t feel the same for me anymore. It’s like a lot of things that I’ve been dealing with lately. It’s just one of those things that when you know, you know, and at that point, there’s just no turning back.

There have been so many times when I would try to place confidence in certain situations, thinking that maybe, just maybe, something will change, but it doesn’t. Or if it does, more often than not, it’s for the worst. Like most situations, there comes a time when enough is enough. I’m normally a forgiving person, tolerating much more than I should, but there have been so many times when I’ve been pushed beyond my limit. With each moment that passes, I tolerate less and less.

I am so sick and tired of feeling like I’m being devalued as a creator and a human being. So what if I don’t do things like everyone else? Is it so wrong if what I do doesn’t fit the mold? What I do is an expression who I am. It’s a part of me. I put a great deal of heart, soul, emotion, and hard work into everything that I do.

Oftentimes, I try to do everything I can to be as supportive as possible, no matter what it is. As time went on, I’ve noticed some things which upset me a great deal. If there is one thing that I can’t stand, it’s when someone thinks they feel the need to one up people and cut others down in order to make themselves look good or succeed. It’s uncalled for, unacceptable, and unnecessary. It’s also a bit of a trigger for me because it’s something that I’ve been dealing with from people who should not be doing it, people who are supposed to care. Then, there was a moment when I realized that my efforts weren’t being reciprocated. It was devastating. It broke my heart. It hurt me to the core. It made me feel like an outsider, like I was unworthy and didn’t belong. To add insult to injury, it seemed like I was being ghosted. At what point does this cross certain lines?

There comes a time when a person gets pushed beyond their limits. There have been several situations where I’ve been pushed to that point. There’s one example that I can think of right off the bat, that I won’t go into detail about where I’ve endured mistreatment for years. I tolerated it because I was hoping that something would change, but it never did, or it would change for the worst. It got to the point where I was having nightmares and then there was the cold, harsh reminder of how I was just nothing more than a joke to some people. That’s when I decided to take a step back. I isolated myself from the situation. I realized that nothing was ever going to change for the better. Waiting around for it to happen was a waste of my time; time that I’ll never get back. And there began my journey of healing from that situation.

There was another situation, that I know I covered in another post where a “friend” was dismissive of my journey of healing, the things that I’ve been through, and the things that I’m passionate about. They pointed out what I was doing wrong and then they tried to tell me what they thought I should be doing. That hurt me a great deal. I felt betrayed and I went silent for a moment. Things never got better after that point. They decided to humiliate me during a zoom session. After that, I just tried to avoid them. I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. The last time I heard from them, they called basically because they wanted something. I didn’t give them the answer they wanted, so the conversation was cut short.

As for this current situation, I’m just tired. Once again, I find that I’ve been pushed too far. I’m not going to keep putting myself out there for people who are going to keep devaluing me. I deserve better than that. Enough is enough.

Last night, I decided to do something that I wish I would’ve done from the beginning. I took the situation to God, and yes, I am a believer. I’m not ashamed it. I will not apologize for being a believer, or for taking this situation to the Lord. My regret was not doing it sooner.

As for the people out there who showed me kindness and support, I hope that you know who you are. I can’t thank you enough. It truly means a lot to me. You are amazing. If there is anyone out there who may be going through something similar, just know that you’re worth more than how they’re treating you. Don’t let their actions or words define who you are. Don’t allow yourself to be beat down by the narrow-minded attitude of others.